Tinubu, the Great: Naija no dey carry last, by Ugoji Egbujo

Tinubu has done us proud. The first Nigerian leader to visit the English monarch in decades. That’s no mean feat. 

He may not have tamed the electricity demon he had  bitched bitterly about when he was in the opposition.  But it’s inspiring to see him dazzling the paparazzi at Windsor. It’s not easy to find such geniality and steeze a day after ISWAP returned to Maiduguri to leave sorrow, tears and blood. Critics think the president is aloof, obsessed with political conquests, hankering after western validation . I think the president seized a golden opportunity to rise to a glamorous occasion. Let Shettima  walk his cho-cho-cho if he wants to be retained on the ticket. After all every politics is local.  

Had Tinubu played to the gallery and traded this glittering  opportunity for a performative condolence visit, how would we have known the King himself now sings  Naija no dey carry last? It warms the heart to see that even as insecurity ravages our land, the world hasn’t started treating us like  Somalia.

Asiwaju knows his onions. Had he opted for Maiduguri to shed political tears, how would he have covered our messy under belly? We must chin up to get foreign investors. At about this time last year,  Tinubu was languishing in St. Lucia. Now he has cultivated clout — dining and wining at Windsor on our behalf. The first time in over three decades. What more can we possibly ask of him?

The King held him by the hand and made sure he didn’t stumble. Such camaraderie.  A thing of inestimable  national pride.  Tinubu had the visible elation of a sheep lying in green pasture and being led beside the still waters. It’s not frailty; it’s feigning vulnerability to attract warmth. The thoughtful King said both countries were equal partners and must uplift each other. Tinubu has renewed not just our hopes but our dignity. Some Nigerians were so enthralled by the Tinubu magic that they gathered at Windsor to chant  “On Your Mandate.” The king must have been envious because nobody sings that for him. Not since Magna Carta.

So it was never quite   the picture  critics painted: a servant invited to his master’s parlour for lunch and he arrives with his entire village. He mistakes the drum being beaten for him for recognition and glory.  After the feast, he would depart with his crowd back to his wretched country where elections are rigged and public servants loot the treasury,  where youths are fleeing into refugeeism. But before his departure, he is reminded that his master’s household has dirty laundry and Maasta would like some mouth-watering coconuts from his seedy neighbourhood, from the particular tree  that touched the sky .

Critics and fake news vendors are blood  cousins. The country doesn’t need their negative vibes. They wouldn’t commend Tinubu’s attires. But the  pictures were pure poetry. Tinubu and Remi in native  splendour,  showcasing our culture, gliding  side by side with the King and Queen. They shone so brightly they could spark envy in our traditionally colourless hosts who don’t like to spend too much money to impress anybody. Our hosts know us — we are lavish. They wouldn’t be too surprised to see our exuberant government in London though we have too many troubles at home to be so carefree abroad. Tinubu looked so royal, Olorun. And his diction was switched on. I prayed he wouldn’t see monarchy up close and come back with funny ideas . You cant put it beyond him . He doesn’t lack the appetite . Lagos is a stark piece of  evidence .

Tinubu deserves his flowers . After a thousand  trips to London like a commoner, he breaks the jinx. This is a great achievement. Thousands of schools are shut in Nigeria because of insecurity. Millions of farmers have fled their farms. This  state visit is therefore consoling . The world still respects us. We cant ask the master strategist for more. We can’t deny Tinubu his accolades. Nigerian flags have rarely been seen fluttering in those royal streets, evoking national pride in the legion of Nigerians in the diaspora who have suffered the indignity of being treated like aliens simply because they came to seek opportunities.  Tinubu conjured this visit to make them stop feeling like leeches or vagabonds.

Akpabio perched  in a carriage, like a child new to the seesaw, receiving uncommon applause from members of the APC UK youth wing and hustlers of all hues . That was a sight to behold. Tinubu has restored our pride. That’s more than providing food. The National Security Adviser. The Defence Minister. A dozen ministers. A multitude of governors. They were all there for the grand  jamboree. They will return  to their villages to tell their people that through them the King of Lord Lugard has become aware of their existence.

It was good Tinubu didn’t go alone. Sometimes we must set aside reforms and cold calculations and allow our leaders to luxuriate on our behalf. In that splash of opulence,  they may draw the elusive  attention of  foreign investors. In any case, we showed the King that we are not so broke. Some of the defected governors, in their dinner suits, looked so happy it seemed they might defect to England altogether. Tinubu mesmerized  England. After the banquets,  the president softly mentioned Boko Haram and bandits to his hosts.  Our people say, ‘A closed mouth is a closed destiny’. But  he didn’t make it sound like we are in dire straits, drowning.   Who does that? He refused to let it count against him as incompetence. That would rub off negatively on all of us. Afterall only monkeys elect monkeys as leaders. Indeed, he calmly told them,  “No country is immune to security problems.” As in, insecurity is a kind of natural disaster. After the equalization,  he gracefully begged for a defence pact. Tinubu is indeed a master strategist.

In his toast , the King declared “Naija no dey carry last.”  There was no hint of mischief in his tone . So he was eulogising our industriousness rather than sneering at  our notorious  reputation for producing fake princes . Tinubu has taken us to places. Yet after feasting and humouring our excited leaders, the King handed them over to the Prime Minister to be fleeced a little. It’s a colonial habit. We have been their extractive utility since Mungo Park.  Tinubu signed an agreement to borrow money from the UK to fix Apapa port. Over a trillion naira. One or two UK companies will surely claim the prize. Tinubu must have just played along because  his partner, Chagoury, would have been his choice for the juicy pie. But he understands: from the taxes those firms will pay, His Majesty will recover the cost of the food, the wine, the carriage rides.  There are no free dinners in those climes. Instead of urging  Tinubu to learn efficiency from Cotonou and uproot  the corruption crippling our ports, they scripted a contract.  To sweeten it , they promised Ovaltine would plant a factory on our soil 

There was more. At some point Nigeria agreed to welcome  deportees and criminals from the UK. You can’t blame Jagaban. The details are not clear yet. However taking back only  Nigerian deportees and convicts, no new deal is required. But this is election season. It wouldn’t be advisable to risk their wrath by going the sovereignty route again. The last time Trump demanded Nigeria take back deportees and we dared refuse, he rained insults and punishments upon us.  Whoever they bring, Nigerian passports or not, we will warehouse in one dilapidated school in Yobe. After all, our borders are already  porous. We have learnt our lessons. It would be rank ingratitude to turn stubborn after such royal hospitality. Tinubu  should be  more than willing to be their shoeshiner for now. This is not the time to have Britain condemning the imminent drift to a one-party state in Nigeria. The superpowers must  be pampered so that they can look away when the opposition starts to cry foul.

The presence of Pastor Remi on these trips now works like magic. In these days of Christian Genocide,  her presence is needed especially in Europe and America to refute presidential complicity.  With her beside him,  no journalist dares  ask our president any  Muslim-Muslim question. She lends not just grace to the president; she is his living  certificate of religious tolerance. Abroad we play Remi. At home in the bandit-ravaged north, we play Shettima. Power is not served a la carte 

Folks should quit digging . Tinubu is a nationalist not a tribalist. It’s not his fault that he comes from the smartest stock in the country. He runs a meritocracy not a Yoruba government.  Let’s give him a chance . He is not a hypocrite . Yes , Tinubu once criticised Jonathan for abandoning the country and tripping abroad in the immediate aftermath of a terrorist attack . But I think critics should give Tinubu a break. During Jonathan’s time, terrorism was still a big deal. A big new deal.  Not anymore. It’s now a routine global phenomenon,  right? Haven’t we become used to these things? How many people died sef? Are they up to ordinary 1,000? Let the local government chairmen sort them out. This is a nation of 200 million people. It’s not everything , president, president, president.

For 37 years we couldn’t sniff that palace . Why are critics bellyaching?  It’s the man’s turn.  The man  has gone to London to showcase our democracy and sell the country . Last time we were there it was Babangida. Tinubu is a proper president. I wish Wike had travelled there with his Rolls Royce and musical band to add colour and prestige to the occasion. Perhaps he could have made the King sing “On Your Mandate.”

The president has returned. On a second thought , he must not neglect what Sunday Igboho said. The founder of Yoruba Nation wants us to allow his Yoruba kinsmen to rule us in perpetuity. The 36 governors might all agree. They seem entranced by Tinubumania . All the senators will concur. None has the guts to defy the great man. The EFCC and DSS will keep watch . The major traditional rulers and religious leaders will all  succumb to a little palliative push . Perhaps,  we have our king already.

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