Same Sin, Different Funeral: When man cheats, he’s a man, when woman cheats, she’s a monster, by Stephanie Shaakaa

He found a hotel receipt in her bag and never slept in their bed again. She found lipstick on his shirt five times and still cooked his birthday meal. Both were betrayed. Only one was allowed to forgive without shame.

The Anatomy of a Double Standard

Most men I know would rather set themselves on fire than forgive a cheating wife.

Most women I know have forgiven or are actively forgiving a cheating husband.

Why?

Because society has never truly believed that men and women are equal, not in biology, not in emotion, not in loyalty, not in consequence. We say the words, we march with the placards, we tweet the hashtags but when betrayal enters the marital bed, all the illusions of equality burn to ash.

A man cheats and the world whispers, it’s in their nature.

A woman cheats and the same world screams, how could she?

In many cultures including ours marriage is subconsciously viewed as a transaction of ownership. Men marry for permanence, legacy, control. A wife is not just a lover, she is the designated vessel for his lineage. Her fidelity is his assurance of bloodline purity. Her body is where his legacy is incubated. The moment she steps out, it’s not just the act it’s the collapse of his entire illusion of control.

A woman, on the other hand, is taught that a man’s infidelity is an unfortunate inconvenience. Men will always be men, she is told. Just pray and stay.The cultural script prepares her to absorb betrayal as a rite of passage, while men are taught that female betrayal is the ultimate desecration.

There is a dangerous myth that says women cheat with emotion, and men cheat with anatomy. It’s simplistic, but it serves a powerful psychological purpose. It gives male infidelity a loophole and gives female infidelity a death sentence.

Society has coded female loyalty as emotional, spiritual, sacred. So when a woman cheats, it is assumed she has fallen in love and that kind of betrayal is too much for most men to bear. The irony? Many women who cheat do so out of frustration, neglect, or revenge not love. But by the time we try to explain that, the gavel has hit the table and the marriage is over.

A man’s ego is not a soft place. It is constructed from fragile bricks respect, admiration, submission, performance, status. A cheating wife doesn’t just break his heart. She punctures his pride, his manhood, his entire sense of self-worth. That’s why many men won’t forgive. It’s not just about love. It’s about humiliation.

A woman, on the other hand, is taught to carry pain like a second womb. She nurses it, finds strength in it, even finds God through it. You all remember the movie “War Room”? That is what a woman is expected to do. She is told that forgiveness is maturity. That endurance is a virtue. That her ability to withstand her husband’s sins is proof that she is a good and virtuous woman.

Do you see the imbalance?

Most men who forgive a cheating wife are not weak. They are just rare. And dangerously judged.

People won’t say he’s mature. They will say he’s foolish, she has bewitched him, or he’s not a real man. Society punishes the man who forgives and punishes the woman who cheats.

Flip it. A woman who forgives a cheating husband is applauded. She kept the home together. She’s wise. She knows men.

But the husband who cheated? He is still respected. He doesn’t lose his friends, his career, or his community. In fact, his masculinity might even be validated by it. The hypocrisy is breathtaking.

In most sermons, male infidelity is treated as a test of the wife’s character. Female infidelity is treated as grounds for divorce. The imbalance isn’t just cultural it’s doctrinal.

When a man strays, they quote ‘all have sinned and fallen short.’ When a woman does the same, suddenly the church remembers Proverbs 31, Titus 2, and every verse about submission. Scripture becomes a sword for one gender and a shield for the other.

Mercy has always been male-coded.

A man’s heartbreak is treated as sacred. A woman’s heartbreak is treated as inevitable. He found her text messages on a Tuesday and walked out without turning back. Three years of marriage erased by ten minutes of scrolling. She found out about his mistress on a Sunday, cried into her pillow, and made jollof rice the next day. They both cheated. Only one was allowed to stay.

The pot that breaks in the hands of a woman brings more shame than the one broken by a man.

In America, they laughed when Beyoncé stayed with Jay-Z after Lemonade. In Africa, they expect a woman to stay, no lemonade, no apology, just tradition and shame.

The double standard is more violent than the act itself.

A man cheats, and it’s regrettable. A woman cheats, and it’s unforgivable. Same act, different funeral.

In many cultures, female failure is public property. Male failure is a footnote.

We weaponize religion selectively wielding mercy for men and condemnation for women. We preach forgiveness to one side, and judgment to the other. This is not holiness. This is patriarchy with a rosary.

We cannot move forward by pretending men and women are the same. They are not. But we also cannot heal by preserving a system that rewards male betrayal and demonizes female pain.

Forgiveness should not be gendered.

Infidelity should not be excused on one end and criminalized on the other.

And healing should not require one person to bleed more than the other.

Some women forgive because they want to.

But many forgive because they have to because survival, stigma, or children give them no real alternative.

And some men don’t forgive not because their hearts are colder, but because the world never taught them how to grieve without anger. Never taught them how to cry without shame. Never taught them that forgiveness, too, is power.

The next time you hear someone say a man cheating is not the same as a woman cheating, tell them this.

You are right. It’s not the same. It’s worse. Because the double standard is more violent than the act itself.

And until we unlearn it, love will continue to suffer under the weight of our hypocrisies.

Because in the end, it’s not cheating that destroys most marriages.

It’s the gendered rules we invented around who is allowed to be broken and who must always appear whole.

Is it really forgiveness we struggle with or just the idea that a woman, too, has the right to sin and survive?

The post Same Sin, Different Funeral: When man cheats, he’s a man, when woman cheats, she’s a monster, by Stephanie Shaakaa appeared first on Vanguard News.