Men grieve too: Breaking the ‘Be Strong’ expectation after pregnancy loss

By OLA TAIWO

Too often, fathers are told to hide their tears and “be strong.” But silence only deepens the pain.
When people think of pregnancy or infant loss, the focus often falls on the mother. This is understandable ; her body carried the baby, and she faces the physical and emotional aftermath of the loss. But what about fathers and partners?
Too often, their grief is overlooked, dismissed, or buried beneath cultural expectations.
Men grieve too. They grieve the dreams they had, the child they imagined, and the future they began to picture. Yet in many cultures, including ours in Nigeria, men are expected to remain stoic. They hear phrases like, “Be strong for your wife,” or “Don’t cry; you’re the man.” These words reinforce the harmful idea that strength means silence.
But grief has no gender. When men suppress their emotions, the weight of unspoken pain often shows up in other ways: withdrawal from relationships, anger, depression, or even physical health challenges. In trying to be “strong,” men may end up isolated; grieving in silence while carrying the burden of supporting everyone else.
This silence doesn’t help families heal. In fact, it can create distance between couples when both are hurting. A father who feels he cannot grieve openly may unintentionally make his partner feel even more alone. Instead of sharing the pain, the couple carries it separately ; each suffering in silence.
We need to rethink what strength really means. True strength is not about hiding tears. Strength is honesty, vulnerability, and the courage to grieve together. Strength is in saying, “This hurts me too.”
So how can we support men through pregnancy and infant loss?
Acknowledge their grief. Ask, “How are you coping?” not just, “How is your wife?”; Create safe spaces. Men need permission to express emotions without judgment; Normalize counseling and support groups. Therapy is not weakness; it is courage; Challenge stereotypes. Society must stop equating masculinity with silence.
Pregnancy and infant loss affects the whole family. Healing begins when both parents — mothers and fathers — are allowed to grieve openly.
This October, as we raise awareness, let us remember the silent half of the story: the men who have learned to hide their tears behind closed doors. Let’s remind them it is okay to cry, it is okay to grieve, and it is okay not to be strong all the time.
Because grief has no gender. And healing should have no silence.

Ola Taiwo is a certified fertility health coach, fertility advocate, and founder of Fertility Conversations, a platform dedicated to breaking the silence around infertility and pregnancy loss.

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