Marriage is not a rehabilitation center for unraised men, by Stephanie Shaakaa
SKAiF NewsNG SNN
Why do we only say wife material?
where are the husband materials?
We grew up hearing it. The aunties said it. The uncles nodded in agreement. The church preached it. Society repeated it like scripture. A good woman should be wife material.
She should be trained. Raised. Shaped. Taught how to kneel, how to serve, how to endure, how to stay even when it hurts, how to work twice as hard to be seen half as worthy.
Wife material.
But where were the lessons for the boys?
Who raised the husbands?
Who told them that marriage is a responsibility and not a throne?
Who taught them that leadership is not domination but presence and care?
We didn’t arrive here by coincidence.
This generation of men did not fall from the sky.
We made them.
We excused them.
And now we are paying for it.
We raised our daughters to carry responsibility.
We raised our sons to expect rewards.
Now we wonder why the homes are collapsing.
Look around:
Women
We groomed daughters for marriage.
We groomed sons for applause.
And we are living inside the consequences of that imbalance.
Look around. So many women are carrying marriages on their backs with emotional labor no one acknowledges. They are the planners, the peacekeepers, the forgivers, the ones who swallow pain to keep the home steady. Meanwhile many men think showing up is enough. They think providing ends the conversation. They believe love is something you feel but do not necessarily show.
We made this.
We built it.
We enabled it.
We raised daughters with a checklist.
Can you cook? Can you clean? Can you manage a home? Can you submit? Can you endure? Can you hide your tears and still show respect?
But to the sons we said only one thing.
Just be a man.
As if manhood is automatic.
As if emotional maturity arrives like a birthday gift.
As if being male is the same as being ready.
And now women are waking up.
We are asking different questions.
We are refusing the weight of one sided effort.
Because the truth is simple.
You cannot keep expecting women to come fully formed while men come as draft versions waiting to be edited.
Marriage is not a rehabilitation center.
A woman is not a correctional facility for male upbringing undone by the society and the family that raised him.
If a man wants a wife material, he must ask himself a very important question.
Am I a husband material?
Not in the shallow sense of money or appearance. But in the real sense. Can you listen without dismissing? Can you apologize without ego? Can you comfort without belittling? Can you be accountable when you hurt someone you love?
Do you know how to love with your presence and not only your mouth?
This is where the silence becomes loud.
Because many men were not taught that love is an action. They were not taught that emotional intelligence is learnable. They were not taught that tenderness is not weakness.
Instead we praised boys for being tough.
For not crying.
For being unbothered.
For walking away.
And now we are surprised when they cannot stay.
We must start educating differently.
Raise sons who know how to communicate.
Raise sons who know how to nurture.
Raise sons who understand partnership, not dominance.
Raise sons who know that respect is mutual.
Raise sons who know that love is maintenance, not possession.
Let us say it plainly.
We want men who know how to love and not just want to be loved.
We want men who know how to show up for the home emotionally not just financially.
We want men who understand that being present is an action and not simply being physically in the house.
This is not an attack.
It is an invitation.
Because in the end, women are not asking for too much.
We are asking for what we give.
We are asking for balance.
We are asking for effort.
We are asking for men who are grown in heart and not just age.
And it begins with unlearning.
Unlearning the version of masculinity that makes men emotionally absent but physically loud.
Unlearning the script that makes women the only glue holding relationships together.
Unlearning the idea that only women must be trained.
Love is two people tending to the same flame.
So the next time someone says wife material, pause and ask.
Where are the husband materials?
Because we are done raising queens for unprepared kings.
We are done teaching girls to shrink while boys get to expand.
We are done with the imbalance dressed as tradition.
We raised men who think showing up is enough contribution
We raised sons to believe presence is contribution.
We taught boys that being male is already an achievement.
He was raised to appear, not to participate.
Some men were raised to think their existence is effort.
We have prepared wives for generations.
Now it is time to prepare husbands.
Because a home does not stand when only one person was taught how to build it.
Raise sons who can love, listen, apologize and stay.
Raise sons who know that showing up is not the same as contributing.
The future will not be saved by how well we train our daughters.
It will be saved by how well we finally begin to raise our sons.
The future demands emotionally equipped men.
Men who can lead with compassion.
Men who can love with intention.
Men who can stay present through conflict.
Men who do not fear softness because they understand it is strength.
This is the generation that must break the cycle.
Not for the sake of argument.
Not for the sake of pride.
But for the sake of homes that feel like peace and not silent suffering.
We are not raising only wives anymore.
We are raising partners.
We are raising women who know their worth.
Women who understand marriage is partnership, not endurance training.
So let the conversation expand.
Let the expectations shift.
Let the sons learn what the daughters were forced to learn alone.
Let husband’s know the providing alone is not enough.
Because love cannot stand on one leg.
It must be built by two hands.
Equally.
Deliberately.
Fully.
And that is how we heal.
The post Marriage is not a rehabilitation center for unraised men, by Stephanie Shaakaa appeared first on Vanguard News.
